Single at last!
Guess what? I think I have finally finished emotionally with the married guy. Something about him caused me to just change my feelings and I found that I didnt need or want him any longer. This happened about 3 weeks ago and you know.. since then he has been more online, more in the chat room than he ever was. Is it stalking? Who knows.. I think he just thinks I will get over this feeling and come back to him, but I wont. I only chatted to him once in 6 weeks (actually almost since my last entry here) and he didnt once try to apologise for not emailing me or anything. He just expected I would be here, waiting, whenever he decided to join me. 6 years on tooing and froing are finally at an end. Feels good. Over the christmas break, I did chat to another guy who seemed OK and I did have phone sex with him a few times, which was good. He then sent me a pic of himself. Now, this guy, when I asked for a physical description, said (and I quote) " a bit overweight, but Hey, who isnt". His pic shows him as being obese! Theres nothing "a bit" about it. Why dont big guys tell us up front ? Why lie? So, I was a total coward and just havent chatted to him since.
So, two fat guys now.. two fat guys who think lying is a good thing.
Now, its just going to be fun fucks.. only witty guys who catch my attention and turn me on.

Been awhile
OK, so its been awhile.. what to say.. We are back together yet again and have been for a few months now.. what are we doing? the same as always! whats changed? nothing..! OK, not true.. Ive changed.. I have stopped thinking that this is real and serious and have put it in perspective.. Im cybering a married man from time to time.. ! No biggie.. or is it? I dont want to get into the morals of it because it is so far removed from real life.. this is not taking away anything from anyone.. I am sure this guy would not suddenly spend more time with his wife if I wasnt around.. he is what he is..

Ignorance is bliss
So, we are ignoring each other.Im in a chat room, he is on msn... neither budging an inch... kinda romantic huh? NOT!! Im running on the theory thatif he wanted me, he knows where to find me and by his not being in the chat room, he doesnt want me.. Kinda juvenile tho.
BUT.. every other time I have come to him.. and its all started again... forgive me , if just this once, I want him to come to me...

Men.. who the fuck needs them!!
He wanted a 3 some.. I agreed.. and we did .. a cyber net 3 some.. he took a lot of time to find a woman.. it did take ages and I do admire him for his determination.. BUT they were just the wrong chickies... they were more interested in him.. not us.
And even with that.. he was wonderful.. always tried to include me.. make me feel wanted.. I do adore him for that
But.. I said to him.. hey.. they just are not into me.. and he cracked up.. and said it was just me .. I was imagining it.. and that is wrong.. I didnt.. I genuinely wanted to do this with him.. I really did ...

It aint love
I have spent the last month being with the married guy. Its been good and bad.. its been irregular and I am back to waiting for him to be online.. sometimes he is here every day.. other times its 2 weeks. Why? I dont know.. I am sitting here now, just thinking about how damn stupid it all is.. I care . he doesnt.. I know all this.. and yet, here I am.. I was thinking about it from his point of view.. How lucky he is . he has this ever ready sex chickie .. and all he has to do is show up.. I want to be stronger.. I want to turn off msn.. NOT be here.. why cant I?
This is not making me happy.. waiting.. waiting..

Here we go again...
Mood:  surprised
Ive gone and broken all my rules. I was doing really well with the new guy.. we had even moved our thoughts to intimacy and a kind of love. He wasnt my soul mate but I was actually enjoying him.. looking forward to seeing him and thinking of a something for us and then two things happened:
1.He showed me his pic and he is a big boy.. not just large but at least 18 stone !
2. The love (the ex, the bastard, the no show) however he is named... showed up
So.. I am in a dilemma which I think my heart has resolved because once the love (ie the bastard) shows up.. I cant think of anyone but him. So, in an instant.. my feeling for this new guy changed.. I just dont feel for him as I was beginning to .. and I am not sure if its the weight thing.. or the fact that once the love (ie the bastard) gets into my head.. noone else matters.
The love (ie the bastard) told me he loved me.. and we had a night to remember ... but now I am sitting here .. waiting for him.. knowing he wont be around and I think.. FUCK... why ? why do i let this happen?
cos I love him.. cos he gets me.. cos he is the one for me? Buggered if I know I just know I am spoilt for anyone else whilst he is around

Integrity and Honour and yet... I still cant make him love me
Its just over 5 weeks with this new one. Its all going well, We have spoken honestly and openly and I am not sure what I expected of our intimate emotional chats by now, but , there are none.
We have phone sex, we have a laugh or two , we talk about life , the universe and everything and yet, I have no clue how he feels about me ...
There is nothing about us.. except for NOW.
Im being very mature about it, Im accepting that this is all there is and there are times when I even agree with it. After all, there is so much of my mind that believes that it is all I deserve.
I only will ever get men who want to fuck me.. I have long believed that and despite my efforts to change that, at the end of the day, they are only with me for sex.. nothing more.
Should that worry me? well, yes.. but its happened so foten that now I am at terms with it. Im not at peace with it, but I accept it as my fate.
I do still harbour thoughts of the 'one'. The guy who will want to do more than just rent me.
But, Im 40 in 2 months .. its not gonna happen.

I knew it was gonna happen
Well, what is it I say about doing the same thing and expecting different results? I am such an idiot. I have a history of sex with these guys.. I offer it up, I put it out there.. and yet I am surprised when that is all they want!!
You know tho, this guy has misled me somewhat because he said that he liked chatting to me regardless of the sex. He said that 2 weeks ago and tonight he couldnt even be bothered to ask how I was before he said " hey baby , lets go to phone"!
I need to change me.. but its seems like it is such a long time between drinks for me that when i finally meet a guy who seems semi decent.. I am horny.. I am wanting.. and yet,... I should know better..! Well, I really have to sort myself out.. I cant keep doing this ..

He's just not that into me !
I love that title
Makes sense too ..
I have a new man.. and I have some goss on the old one, but more of that in a minute *L
I have a new man.. We have been cyber friends for a few months and then we changed it all for phone sex
I was Ok with that.. but every conversation we have usually ends with us both saying.. "OMG, this is the best ever, I like chatting to you, I like being with you etc etc"
So, when he said that he wouldnt be able to phone etc for 4 days, I was Ok with that.
Well, I guess I wasnt.. cos I really thought that he would find a minute or two to send me some reason to believe that what he and I were doing was more than just phone sex.. and guess what? its day 3 and I have not heard a word from him.
So.. he is just not that into me... Dammit!
And heres the crux for us chickies, we have 2 choices here.. put up with it or leave.
Leaving = self respect but noone to make you feel special occasionally
Staying = knowing he is only here for one thing and feeling like shit ?
And yes,I know , even as I write this I get which choice I should make..
So..On with the goss... my man of 4 years has lied to me.. He is MARRIED!! Bastard.. total Bastard!
His reasoning.. "Ohh I didnt mean for you to be so addictive" ...
Men.. Cant shoot em.. Cant string em out on a clothes line and throw anvils at em!

A new man
I think I have found a new man.. and I am surprised... he has integrity..